Celiac disease, which
affects about one in approximately 133.638 folks, is all about an adverse
reaction to gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye and barley, which translated
means whatever, whatever and beer. Antibodies, triggered by gluten, flatten tiny
fingers in the intestines, called villi, which are needed to absorb any
nutrients found in aisle 16 at Walmart. Celiac disease comes complete with any
intestinal symptom you can think of, as well as some “outside the gut” symptoms
including fatigue, arthritis, numbness depression and anemia. What is a mystery
is why the incidence of celiac disease is rising sharply and even being
diagnosed in people as old as 70 who previously have eaten gluten safely all
their lives.
The pleasant part
about celiac disease, from a Dr David Hepburn’s perspective, is that we can test for it
by means of a blood test or, if we want to be really certain or are in an
intrusive mood, we can ram a long tube the size of an anaconda, through your
nose, snake it down into your small intestine and tear out a piece. Your
choice.
The other pleasant
part is that we don’t have to get out our prescription pad and scribble another
illegible prescription which prompts Zbiegniwtzkiskaya, the local pharmacist,
to call us to interpret what we wrote, even though we can’t interpret what the
hell he’s saying. (It’s a miracle when you actually get the drug meant for
you.) This phone intrusion on our precious time could cost us a stroke, as it
might take our focus off an important putt. Rather than medication, if you have
celiac disease we can simply tell you to “go on a gluten-free diet” and then we
can go play Donkey Kong in the back.
“Well Doc, I don’t
mind going on a diet. I could do to lose a few pounds.”
Sorry, but a gluten
free diet will leave you with a sorry butt. It is a “diet” where you may well
gain a few pounds. As a gluten-free glutton, you’ll free your glutes from ever
trying to squeeze into those lulu lemons again.
But what if you are
plagued with celiac-like symptoms yet your celiac blood test comes back
negative? (Note: in medicine, negative is a positive thing the same way that a
positive test is a negative thing. But to be positively certain that your
negative test isn’t positive, test your negative test for a possible positive
by means of a bowel biopsy, which would negate your negative blood test,
leaving you feeling positively negative.)
What if, despite a
negative test, when you go off gluten, you feel so much better? Sort of goes
against the grain. Well, you might actually have celiac’s more popular cousin,
gluten sensitivity. Affecting about one in 20, folks are lining up to get it
like it were the latest iphart. Yes doctor I would like a test for celiac
disease, floating stools and can I get 3000 minutes on my calling plan. Why? Is
it a fad, or possibly a medical excuse for that elevator eruption disruption.
“My apologies, but it really is my doctor’s fault. He told me I have gluten
sensitivity.”
Gluten (Latin for
"glue") is a protein that makes bread and cakes chewy (Rhymes with gluey).
It gives elasticity to dough, (like having your cheque bounce?)
It thickens soups and
malts up the Schlitz. In fact, beer is one of the things that is loaded in
gluten which means that many men are now tossing the newspaper aside uttering
epithets like “quack” not realizing that this is a compliment...to a
Wisequack.
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